If you’re a computer nerd like myself then you’ll be excited to hear that PHP 7 is currently in development. Given that I created both the front and back ends of my site, I can’t wait to implement these new features:

1. New slogan – “We’re bringing the back end to the front, and the front end to the back, and bringing both of those back to the back and front respectively!”
2. “What if” control flow, to encourage the website to exercise its critical thinking skills.
3. Infinite loops are now known as indefinite loops, as the idea that a loop could go on infinitely is highly implausible, seeing as how our sun will become a red giant within 5 million years, expanding to the point where the earth will be enveloped in fiery death, and that can be harmful to computer systems.
4. Free debugging on Fridays.
5. More global variables and functions that you’ll never use because your site is already built, dammit!
6. Better power balance for the sorcerer class.
7. Improved support for that CMS your cousin won’t shut up about.
8. More inherent disdain for anyone who uses .NET languages.
9. A cartoon mascot, finally.
10. An easier way to connect MySQL to the back of your spinal column, for optimal integration.
11. Something to do with the Cloud, just so we can use that buzzword.
12. Better garbage collecting, as it will be powering the back end of Waste Management’s website.
13. Total portability, via a convenient set of 12 3.5″ floppy disks.
14. Sloths.
15. A new, convenient backdoor, allowing pain-free monitoring of your activity by the NSA.
16. Variables that get set in your mind!
17. 64bit dual-flop processor ports with two external load-balanced ROM downloaders.
18. A reminder to brush your teeth, should you be coding around bedtime.
19. A use of gender-neutral pronouns in all documentation, so as to not scare young girls away from learning how to do mindless, repetitive work as a cubicle-dwelling code monkey.
20. A bigger number after its name.